He's Just Not That Into You: Dating the Workplace

Hey girl, let's talk about your relationship... with work.

As the majority of business executives are white, heterosexual men, the workplace culture remains a "he" and can offer similar red flags when looking for a committed work/life relationship.

Conceived from an episode of Sex and The City, Greg Behrendt’s 2004 book, He’s Just Not That Into You, kindly prompted doe-eyed love-struck women to pay closer attention to red flags of unhealthy intimate relationships. Behrendt showed up as a big brother type, a supportive, empowering, dad-persona, in an effort to help women snap out of it and stop being willing to date men who have little intention of investing in the relationship.

Nearly 20 years later since Behrendt's book changed the dating game, women are willing to tolerate less, expect more, hold independence, remain outspoken, and claim their confidence. The truth is: empowered women love to see a generation of empowered women living their best lives.

Now, with relationships in check, let's talk about another highly important relationship. A relationship that consumes nearly 80% of the day, takes up real estate in the mind, guides dreams, and has the power to determine the level of a woman's stability and self-sufficiency: the workplace.

Behrendt says that when a guy is into you, he lets you know it, both verbally and non-verbally. I say the same goes for the workplace. If they are into you, you'll know it. You may even fall deeper in love with your work, increasing your peace, joy, well-being...and bank account.

Hey girl, does Mr. Workplace even deserve you?

While the patriarchal workplace can be a dangerous place for women, a place of systems where wage gaps, glass ceilings, sexism, and dead-end jobs snag the ambitious, Lutgen-Sandvik's employee abusive organization theory, and McPhee's communication constitution of organizations theory, illuminate communications that reveal who and what a company really is. Together, and parallel with Behrendt's framework, women can pay closer attention to the signs and symptoms of unhealthy workplace culture.

From onboarding, job expectations, shared missions, and advancement opportunities, well-informed decision-making is essential. And it is the well-equipped woman, the girl who’s paying attention, who will best model the way for what a healthy work relationship looks like. What girl doesn't want a professional relationship with her workplace that bustles with opportunity, burgeons with advancement, and secures a sustainable future - not only for herself, but for the women around her.

Since we are no longer tolerating the dysfunctions of an imbalanced intimate relationship, let's look at improving the health of our relationship with work.

Read the zine for research and shared experiences for spotting a toxic workplace culture, identifying cancerous communications, noting red flags, and what to listen for when interviewing, training, or asking for a raise.

If your workplace is "just not that into you", find somewhere that is.

He's Just Not That Into You: Work Edition (Zine)

-Melinda

Going up: Creating infrastructure for women and leadership.

As a strategist, mother, and mindful leader, I look upstream to understand why some women do not pursue processes or positions of leadership. While the influence for young girls to envision themselves as capable of achieving their ambitions first begins in the home, creating a vision of unlimited possibilities in the workplace is crucial for young women to begin the developmental process of “seeing it to be it”.

It does not matter if she is a barista, a retail clerk, an intern, or an assistant. It does not matter if she works locally, at home, or within a global corporation - every industry is capable of hosting the leadership and responsibility of forging pathways for girls to self-discover their potential.

Why girls? Because we live in a patriarchal nation. Young boys and men are often encouraged early on to consider their future, their impact, and how they will provide as "heads" of a household. Young girls are not as often invited to share in these future-minded dialogues. Societal norms, gendered roles, and adopted belief systems are most responsible for keeping young women small, quiet, and destined for singular purposes. Women are complex. And when society embraces her complexity, it grows more determined to establish the infrastructure capable of supporting her abilities to thrive, under multiple, and intersectional, circumstances.

"As a parent, I cannot think of a more responsible reason to bring a human into this world other than to support the flourishing of a life's full expression."

Business owners who desire to use their resources to bring about societal change become business leaders. Business leaders host the capacity, the systems, the opportunities, and the commitment for helping turn ambition into a thriving and flourishing ecosystem - for men, women, and families.

Here are three ways business leaders can create an environment that supports human flourishing:

1. Sponsorship. Mentorship is often recommended for women as a supportive advice-giving role, whereas sponsorship is reserved for young men. Sponsorship offers the resources to actualize a vision. Mentorship is often relational and communicative, whereas sponsorship is action-oriented and can include the possibility of an investment opportunity. It’s the difference between thoughts and prayers (for emotional support) and policy and change (for actual advancement).

2. Clear organizational flows. Organizational flows include onboarding, skills development, collaborative opportunities, and guideposts to advancement. These structures host unique junctures for shedding light on potential, unearthing passions, and exposing multiple paths forward. If there is no path, or the path is not illuminated properly, self-actualization is harder to practice and roads turn into dead-ends. The obstacle of a “glass ceiling”, where upward mobility is visible, but out of reach, the “labyrinth” of tangled up pathways, or the “glass cliff” of being hired to nurse an organization back to health, stand less chance of derailing a determined young woman when they are presented as sure and steady from the get-go.

3. Strategic evaluations. Performance reviews are not just about job performance, they host a prime opportunity for engaging in dialogue with the whole employee. Strategic questions about organizational goals can transition to personal and professional goals - laying the groundwork for leadership to establish a fellowship, where young women’s work is more than just a means to organizational success, but a mutually beneficial relationship that can both enrich individual productivity and enhance the collective workplace culture.

One of the hidden benefits of business leaders making organizational changes to support human flourishing is word of mouth. Did you know word of mouth, even in this digital age, remains the #1 method of successful marketing? Now, think about marketing - or magnetizing - the right employee. When young adults love their job, when they feel supported, valued, invested in, and fairly compensated, not only does their performance reflect gratitude, but they are talking about how working for YOU is changing their life. They are magnetizing other high-performing employees to want to work for you, too. By having a process, a clear path, young women can begin the art of envisioning something, even multiple things, for themself.

My work within the salon/spa industry was to create an engaging assistantship program, where newly-graduated cosmetology students could onboard with us to advance their basic education, improve their skills from working, seasoned professionals, and build their business in an environment dedicated to increasing their success. Hosting this program and taking the time to create this infrastructure, positioned us as a desirable employer. And not just to any graduate, but to the most ambitious, most eager entry-level professionals.

As a parent, I cannot think of a more responsible reason to bring a human into this world other than to support the flourishing of a life's full expression. As a leader, I cannot comprehend a more responsible opportunity than to oversee an operation that champions optimal potential in those I serve. Motive matters.

At an early age, when a young girl begins to experience our patriarchal society's reaction to her voice, she will need you. When she steps into her first job, she will need you. When she begins to date, continue her education, travel the world, or serve her community - she will need you. She needs you, for protection, defense, and advocacy. Or, she will not need you at all. She will need someone with the capacity to host room for her to figure herself out, the grace to allow her to fumble with understanding, or simply to be someone who is not afraid to evolve alongside her.

Will it be you? Or, rather, can it be you? How might your role, as a parent, teacher, business owner, or community leader, create the infrastructure that supports her?

When you are ready to have a dialogue on how you can build a place for leadership, from within the space of your ownership, you can contact me here. Consulting on organizational frameworks and helping you design strategic processes that humanize your workplace, is my sweet spot.

Melinda

[resource: DeFrank-Cole, L., & Tan, S. J. (n.d.). Women and Leadership.]

---

* listen to the podcast episode related to this essay HERE

Organizational Health: it's in the culture

Have you ever bought an orange that looked nice and bright on the outside, but the juice was too sour to enjoy? Have you ever seen the model, picture-perfect, family, only to learn their life is filled with turmoil? Maybe you’ve heard “I love you” from someone carelessly causing you pain? Maybe you know someone who’s a really good liar? We never really know what’s on the inside of a person, place, or even a system, until it’s under pressure. Whether a devastating medical diagnosis, the ending of a valued relationship, or the letting go of a treasured job, the health of a relationship often remains hidden until things go south. In reflection, the signs may magically appear – like blazing torches – asking ourselves “how could I have missed those cues!”

Culture is the silent language, the unspoken message, the devil in the details. It hides out until it is named. It spreads effortlessly until identified and consumes until contained. A culture of dysfunctional communication, much like cancer, kills. Energy. Ambition. Success. Connection. What if instead of allowing dysfunction to hide out, like cancer within the marrow of a bone, we paid closer attention to signs and symptoms of organizational dis-ease? What if embracing tensions, identifying symptoms, and responding more quickly to treat the side effects of communication challenges, we strengthened our organizational health? As any survivor will tell you, cancer has a way of changing us for the better, if we let it.

As an outside hire for a leadership role many years ago, I immediately witnessed multiple personnel dysfunctions. I was charged to identify "cancer" within the team - specific behaviors decaying productivity, clogging organizational flow, and impeding company growth. Like a good steward, deeply concerned with the health of his ecosystem, the CEO sought a fresh perspective. And like a good mother, my experience and passion for the industry supported efforts of constructive criticism while listening for social cries for help. Peering through a lens of maternal leadership and responsibility, I spotted some carcinogens. Hidden within safe harbors and quietly overlooked corners were passive aggressions, tolerated bullying, and social assassinations. With connections weak, toxicity spreading, and wounds festering, this was a job for courage and hope. Spackling our holes, we declared the power to improve simply by diagnosing our dysfunctions. We named them, identified their presence, and made plans to work them out. Within a year, we were speaking openly about conflict without taking offense, we were celebrating growth with the fruit of our painful labors. We had increased organizational strength and gained momentum.

Shortly after recognizing our success, my young child was diagnosed with Leukemia, a blood cancer. Cancer, just as our organizational cancer, had been hiding out from recognition, slowly zapping her life-energy, and was leading our entire family down a devastating path. This diagnosis metaphor that I was using to unite teams now became personal. It was my turn to face a disease. It was my turn to accept the maternal responsibility and leadership of laboring to improve the health of not just one person, but an entire family ecosystem.

Diagnosis has a way of blossoming a willingness to do whatever it takes to fight for something. Diagnosis surges an eagerness to shave our heads in solidarity for the afflicted. Faced with the stages of grief, I sat in denial, stood in anger, and looked for someone to blame. Then, I remembered what I asked of my team, and decided to open communication flows. First with myself, then on to my daughter, my partner, and the nurses and doctors working on all our behalf. From the inside out, the comfort of denial was disrupted, the callousness of anger softened, and the letting go of blame freed my attitude to shift perspective. I paid closer attention to the language I used when speaking to myself and others. Proactively, I designed frameworks for intentional communication to flow, allowing frustration to find its way up, and out, of our life.

As my daughter progressed through remission, I returned to work with a gift from cancer: something of an x-ray vision. I look for what’s neglected. I listen for the pains of onboarding, and I'm on high alert for the faint sounds of a system causing humanity harm. I search for unintentional practices, I dig for unclear language, and I peel back the stickers covering up the sight of a dead-end job. I can smell the stench of stagnant communications from miles away. Equipped with experience, data, and case studies, I carry this experience, into my work in strategic communications at Gonzaga University. Grappling with dysfunctions in a cultural context fascinates me and communication theories stand as pillars of knowledge that serve to treat wounds caused by company cogs.

What do communication and cancer have in common? They both rely on hope.

Not all dysfunctions are salvageable, just as not all cancers are survivable, but if we remain willing to fight – for something - hope will also fight for us.